14 Sep 2009
Philippine General Hospital
Last Saturday my seven brothers in the Society of Jesus were ordained as deacons. I was one of their official photographers. Capturing their moments, zooming in to their expressions of joy made me feel their total self giving to God. They must have experienced many turning points in their lives that strengthened their vocation to the priesthood. I was reminded of one of mine.
July 2006, as part of my novitiate formation, I was assigned at the Philippine General Hospital (PGH) for my month-long hospital exposure. It was a month of an emotional roller coaster. I cried many times in my prayers because of the overwhelming realities about priesthood unfolding before my eyes. They were so difficult to face and accept. I realized that priesthood is never an easy path to take. I still have nine more years in formation. Yet I was invited by the Lord, through my Hospital trial, to start saying goodbye to the many desires of my life. This entails pains and hurts. This means death from within and I have to mourn.
Every week, we were tasked to stay in a particular ward to give pastoral care to patients and their watchers. I was assigned at wards 7, 3, 2 and 9 successively. Each ward had a different impact on my pursuit towards priesthood.
Ward 7. It is a Psychiatric Ward. Before entering the ward, I was caught up by the ideas I saw on televisions. I was expecting the worst scenario. I was expecting loud, rowdy and violent patients. I was asking myself how I can exercise pastoral care to these people who were enjoying their self made fantasies. However, the moment I entered the ward, I was surprised to see a very orderly ward. No shouting patient. The nurses and the doctors were in control of the situation. I was not violently hurt there. What was more surprising was that I was able to talk to some of the patients. They can answer questions sensibly. In my daily conversations with them, I felt that I was able to enter into their lives. As a bonus, I was able to interact with their watchers, the student volunteers, the nurses and the doctors. I enjoyed the daily activities of patients facilitated by the Occupational Therapy students.
In Ward 7, I realized that priesthood is not a fantasy. My life as a priest is not a convenient and comfortable life. Priesthood is a reality of surrender and sacrifice. I have to surrender my desire of getting married, becoming rich and powerful. I have to sacrifice my preferences, my comfort zones to better serve others. Can I live with this kind of life? I know I cannot. But, there is that strength from within that is pushing me to welcome this kind of life.
Ward 3. It is the Internal Medicine Ward. Most of the patients here are in worst and critical condition. Every day was a great ordeal for me to hear the wailing and crying of those who just lost a loved one. Every conversation with diabetic patients, whose legs and thighs were amputated, was tormenting. I cannot help but think of my mother. She has diabetes too. What happened to those patients may happen to my mother too. It was very hard to accept this reality.
Another reality that was shown to me was that I can no longer help my parents, whether physically or financially. I know that my parents are aging and they have no one to take care of them but each other. With the life I have chosen, I cannot be with them. I don’t have the financial capability to help for their hospitalization, either.
I cried many times because I know that what I saw in Ward 3 may also happen to my family. What I can only do is to say prayers of trust, entrusting myself and my family to the Lord. I believe He will take care of us. And if these hard times will come, He will always be there with us.
Ward 2. This is a ward where patients stay before and after operations. In this ward I saw many examples of unconditional love:
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wives uncomplainingly doing their best to take care of their husbands;
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wives tirelessly looking for money to defray medicine and other hospital bills for their husbands;
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parents compassionately suffering with their child’s ordeal;
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children patiently staying at the bedside of their parents;
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strangers freely giving their services to solitary patients.
Everything was Christ-like love. I started getting envious because my desire to have and raise my own family surfaced. Upon reflection, I realized that I have not yet said goodbye to my desire to married life. I put this in prayers and it was hurtful to let go of this desire. Ward 2 reminded me with the reality that priesthood meant saying goodbye to married life. It was hard.
Ward 9. This is a pediatric ward. Every day I saw kids dying from leukemia. Every day, I dreaded facing parents losing a child. Every day I heard the statements:
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May God’s will be done
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May God hear our prayers
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May God continue to provide for us
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May God perform a miracle
Again, for me these were prayers of total trust in God. Every time a sick child hugs me, I was reminded that I am blessed for having a life to live to the fullest. It was difficult for me to see the agony of a child whenever he is pierced with needles of different sizes. My heart was crushed every time I see a child’s veins collapsed from frequent chemotherapy. My mind was tormented with the reality that these children are battling with cancer and the percentage of getting fully well is very slim, not to mention their poverty which limit their access to life saving drugs and procedure. Amidst these miseries, each family I met showed me what it meant to be in total dependence on God.
My experience in PGH showed me the unfairness of the world. Some are enjoying life with abundance while many are suffering from insufficiency. Perhaps, this inequality is a consequence of selfishness. Seeing how poor patients died slowly because they didn’t have enough resources to salvage their health, made me checked my way of living, my lifestyle. I believe I cannot change the world. It is difficult to accept the reality that I cannot anymore give anything except my time and prayer. Material poverty is too big to handle.
But amidst this helplessness, I saw hope. I saw the many people who were giving their time, talent and treasure to somehow give a solution to this seemingly hopeless situation. I was edified by the doctors and nurses who untiringly make their rounds. There was more than one occasion when the doctors and staffs shell off their own money for medicines of patients. There were many volunteers who spent their time with patients who didn’t have watchers. They were doing this for free. There were also donors who just gave money without being acknowledged. These scenes captured the essence of hope and love.
These realities still hurts even now. But, my hospital exposure makes it bearable because of the radiance of hope that my eyes had seen. Such radiance is so bright that it frees my mind from the crippling thought that I cannot do anything about the miseries in the world. There is that strength in my heart that makes me continue to the little things that I am doing for others.
My prayer is that may everyone experience God’s light. May everyone be a bearer of hope and love– His marvellous light.
- Jun-G Bargayo, SJ -
ngayon ko lang nalaman..pari po pala kayo!
jun-g: hindi pa po ako pari. still wannabe… hehehe
The Lady in Green Ruffles
September 15th, 2009 at 12:55 ampermalink
broJun-g…thanks for the sharing and the photos. i re-lived my 6mos ministry at PGH. and i remembered how we met you and the rest o f the brothers more than 2 yeras ago
. galing! i miss being there and being with our brothers and sisters. hope i can visit PGH again soon. dami kong memories dyan. and these memories i will keep with me always. thanks once again 
please send my regards to the brothers..God bless!
jun-g: oo nga… at nasa HR office tayo… hahaha… wow! that was long time ago… hehehe… i still have our picture… send ko sa’yo.
donabel
September 15th, 2009 at 4:04 ampermalink
oh my gudniz, prayle ka pala mr jun-g, akala ko simpleng mamamayan lang… naku sa panahon ngayon maraming nanganga ilangan sayo…
pwedi ba ang online kumpisal… toinkz….
sir, smile ka lang lage at lakihan mo…
jun-g: hindi po ako prayle… hehehe… simpleng mamayan lang din po ako… hehehe… sige, kumpisal ka sa akin pagpari na ako. hehehe…
parang mahirap ata lakihan pa ang smile.. hahaha… pro lagi naman po akong nakasmile. salamat sa paalala…
livingstain
September 15th, 2009 at 4:43 ampermalink
I guess, your exposure to the outside world was self-evident that all men are created equal… wait! mali ata ah.
Self-evident of Men and Women for others?
Once again, thanks for sharing your experience.
Ah! the sotana thingy with the belt. I like the black sotana better. Ya, gapaibog ka lang bai sa?. hehehe. I don’t want to say frustrated Jesuit kay basin ma outside the kulambo ko ni Kumander Misis.
anyway, shhh… atu atu lang ni kay libakon nato tung nangutana sa Exodians Blog kung kinsa daw si JunG. KAYATI BASAD! Kinsa si JunG? Hahahaha! mora ba ug sekreto ang imong pag tambong sa haggies blog ug sekreto ang imong website.
pasensya kana atong mga taga haggies kay mora man ug taga bukid. Mora ba ug kon bisitahan mangabuntis na dayon. hahaha!
Ang maayong tubag is… bay pasalamat mo kay gihatagan mo ug time ni JunG pagbisita.
Sus, pastilan tingala sila nga nasalaag ka didto sa haggies. Nganong matingala man tawon kung open ang Comment?
Lami tubagon. HELLO! THIS IS THE INTERNET!
HELLO THIS IS SOCIAL NETWORKING!
Mamalikas unta ko adtong nangutana JunG pero dili na lang kay basin magabaan ta. hehehe.
Padayon bai!
Go! go! go!
jun-g: makalingaw mani imong comment bai. hahaha… aduna diay natingala… hahaha… ang ang kay nanghatag man ug link si darbs kay jun-g… hahaha… hala, kay giingnan na biya nako ang ubang mga heswita nga niaagi sa haggerty na bisitahan ang haggies… hahaha… na matingala unya to sila ngano daghan na gabisita sa site…
seriously, i would be very happy when someone i do not know visited my site… it means that i have broaden my world. there’s an opportunity for friendship. i am opening myself to more learning from others’ opinions and suggestments (suggestion and comments). Daghan nako migo diri bai…
tama ning imong gi-ingon…
maynalang wa ka mamalikas… hahaha…
salamat bai.
darbs
September 15th, 2009 at 6:45 ampermalink
darbs
September 15th, 2009 at 8:05 ampermalink
worth reading..
keep it up
jun-g: salamat sa pagbasa…
sky
September 15th, 2009 at 8:34 ampermalink
whew! ang hihirap pero fulfilling ang mga challenges sa novitiate bro. whew!
ang hirap ng buhay.
ang hirap magdiscern.
ang hirap. haha.
though you are right. i will never lose hope.
jun-g: mahirap nga karoger. but as long as you’re connected with Him… nagiging madali sya…
yupyup. basta never lose hope.
karoger
September 15th, 2009 at 12:17 pmpermalink
Tuloy lang, Jun-G! God called you where you are for a reason. Nothing happens by accident and he had it all planned out for your. As long as you keep your gaze on him and listen to him unceasingly, you are where he wants you to be. padayon!
jun-g: sige lang… padayon lang…
renee
September 15th, 2009 at 2:56 pmpermalink
this is so touching!
it hurts and its unfair, there are people who are enjoying their luxurious lives and there are people who suffers poverty, only waiting for them to die. but what else can we do? we are not that rich to help the poor, we are not powerful enough, we are not superhuman to do everything. maybe one of the reason why God called u is to spread the news and let the people help the needy.. i don’t know..
jun-g: i guess why God called us because He knows that we know how to love. More than the material things that the poor needs, they need to be loved. if we don’t have the money to share… i believe that we have love within to share…
Jorge
September 16th, 2009 at 1:09 ampermalink
first work ko po sa Hospital, i been here for 3 years, from ER,REHAB,XRAY, PHARMACY,NICU,MICU,NUERO DEPT. etc, halos dun ko po nakita ang tunay na “mukha” ng earth.
ang pinaka paborito ko na lugar before ako mag in and mag out ang adoration chapel, ibaiba rin po ang na witness ko;
may umiiyak ng malakas, may mhina, may natutulog, may nagrorosary, may tahimik lang. ang striking po sa akin na eksena is yung kinakatok ng girl ang cross habang umiiyak.
naiyak po ako nung nakita ko. kung alam ko lang kung ano ang concern niya, kung pwede ko lang siya matulungan.
haaay, if only… sana di ako nagresign. ngayun ko lang narealize, service ang pwede ko maitulong.
jun-g: ang ganda nga ng mga experiences mo… i can imagine the scenes that you were able to witness. very moving and touching. yup, at that certain moment, wala man tayong maitutulong physically or financially, we can say a special prayer for them. noong nandun ako, yun lang ang resolve ko – ang ipagsadal sila at ang kanilang mga minamahal…
uy salamat pala sa french baker… sarap!
melina
September 17th, 2009 at 12:36 ampermalink
***there*** yan. hindi here, nkulangan ng T. hehehhe.
pacensiya na po yun lang nkayanan. wow arte!!
sunod invite k nmin ulit. may pics pla kmi nkuha send nmin sau bukas siguro.
hahaha..diko nga alam kung sino pansinin ko kagabe, ang haba ng hair ko, tanong dito, ask diyan. sabi ko nlang forward ko sa inyo bukas email niya and blog.
jun-g: na OC sa spelling… hehehe… uy may pictures pala ako… hehehe…
basta maraming salamat ulit…
melina
September 17th, 2009 at 3:09 ampermalink
wala pong anuman. salamat salamat din po.
melina
September 17th, 2009 at 5:10 ampermalink
amp. ayoko ng usapang ospital
pero kasama talaga iyon sa pagpapare? kailangan talagang maexpose sa ospital.
correct me if im wrong, ito ba yung paghahanda ng mga pare para pag maybabasbasan silang mga pasyenteng malapit ng ma-chugi?
jun-g: opo paghahanda. pero hindi lang sa malapit na ma-chugi. yung exposure was more on the spiritual conversation with the patients and their watchers. and to be expose to the reality in life. makikita mo ito sa ospital.
otep
September 17th, 2009 at 1:35 pmpermalink
I think it was St. John Chrysostom who said, “I know my own soul, how feeble and puny it is: I know the magnitude of this ministry, and the great difficulty of the work; for more stormy billows vex the soul of the priest than the gales which disturb the sea.” Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Good luck, Kapatid. Will be praying for your ministry.
jun-g: thanks for your prayers. i need them.
Nortehanon
September 17th, 2009 at 2:57 pmpermalink
Kapatid, I like your new header…
I am in awe in reading your deep insights. I wish I also have thoughts as piercing as yours…
I think this is really the charism of the Jesuits…
This very same thought fuels…
“These realities still hurts even now. But, my hospital exposure makes it bearable because of the radiance of hope that my eyes had seen. Such radiance is so bright that it frees my mind from the crippling thought that I cannot do anything about the miseries in the world. There is that strength in my heart that makes me continue to the little things that I am doing for others.”
Nice and inspiring words kapatid…
Thank you for sharing all these…
jun-g: kapatid… salamat sa nakakataba ng puso na comment mo…
magaling din naman mga insights mo… magaling ka pang magsulat… inaabangan ko kaya lagi mga entries mo…
coolwaterworks
September 18th, 2009 at 4:10 ampermalink
Father dumaan lang po… para malaman mo na lagi akong pumapasyal… ingat.
jun-g: uy… salamat sa palagiang pagpasyal dito sa aking bahay…
livingstain
September 18th, 2009 at 5:29 ampermalink
naku father ka din pla?! nakaklungkot isipin. Once in my life been into to hospital and somehow serenading the patients by our choir. Di ko naiwasan na tumulo luha ko while singing christmas songs for them. I just prayed for their recovery and healing.
PAdaan po father at pwede po add kita sa blog roll ko?
magandang araw po
jun-g: naku po… hindi pa po ako pari… kabaro ko sina bro utoy. magkaiba nga lang congregasyon namin… siya SSS, ako naman SJ.
tama ka top, nakakaiyak talaga sa ospital specially when seeing the seeming hopeless situation of the patients… haaay… napapadasal din ako pag ganun.
salamat sa pagdaan dito sa site ko…
sure. you can add me to your blogroll. my privilege.
magandang araw din sa’yo.
topex
September 18th, 2009 at 6:18 ampermalink
once nakapunta ako dito sa pgh. omg! gerabe ang dami palang pasyente diyan. halos every second may dinadala palang pasyente dyan and many patients are waiting outside. grabe.
pero sa helplessness ng maramig mga pasyente doon, nakikita din ang tatag ng pananampalataya sa Dios. yan ang pinoy…
jun-g: tama ka fr. fiel… dun mo makikita ang tatag ng pananampalataya ng mga pinoy sa Dios. kakabilib!
Fr. Felmar Castrodes Fiel, svd
September 18th, 2009 at 10:07 ampermalink
galing ng sharing mo brother!
touching…moving…inspiring…
nakikiisa ako sa iba pang sumusuporta sa bokasyon mo,
praying for you and your ministries…
jun-g: salamat po sa pagsuporta sa bokasyon ko at sa pagdadasal…
always praying for you too.
Bryan Arevalo, SJ
September 22nd, 2009 at 9:30 ampermalink